Going Sane In A Crazy World
by Question the Majority
Summary: 12 years in the future: Will Zim finally conquer Earth? Will Dib finally prove that Zim is an alien? Or will they both just get thrown in the crazy house? I vote crazy house. [IZ comedy with a little dash of JTHM and Squee crossover theory for flavor!]
1. Chapter the First

Interestingly enough, I usually tend to hate the "Dib is an adult now" genre. Go figure. Plus, as in my story "Bestest Friend II," I used Dib's unspoken last name (Casil) as Membrane is only a stagename that his dad came up with. Anyway, I don't own anything involving Invader Zim, except for a few DVDs, some action figures, and the fossilized left arm of head writer, Frank Conniff. --Matt  
------------

**Going Sane In A Crazy World**  
by Matt Garner

It was just another typical day for New York City. Actually, it was a particularly pleasant day! The sun was just a-beamin' her brightest over everyone and everything. Everyone was being shockingly friendly to each other. The pigeons in the park even looked a little less diseased today! Yep, things were pretty good all over today...

Except for Dib Casil.

On an old park bench sat "The Sole Defender of Earth," an anemic-looking young man shrouded in a nightmare-black trenchcoat and his own personal aura of depression. The heavy droop of his shoulders betrayed his tall stature and made his weak back and near-crippling depression very noticeable. Dark black hair contrasted against Dib's pale white skin and the shocking contrast only seemed to make his abnormally large head look even bigger. The sunlight momentarily danced across Dib's thick glasses in a desperate attempt to bring some cheer into the man's life, but to no avail. As the sun's glare vanished from his corrective eyewear, another glint, this one a look of deep thought sparked in his endlessly deep brown eyes. He was currently staring at what appeared to be a small purple-clad green child with a little green puppy at his side.

_Just look at him..._ Dib complained to himself, _Such a smug little creep... Convinced he's going to rule this planet one of these days... He's so stupid..._ He heaved a sad, broken sigh under his breath. _The problem is, he probably WILL win eventually. No one else ever even seems to notice all the weird things Zim does. I don't even think anyone's realized that he hasn't grown even an inch in the 12 years he's lived in this city... And there's no telling how long his people can live... What if I die before he does? Then no one will protect the future generations of Earth from his heartless evil! ... I've got to do something..._

As all these thoughts ran through Dib's head, Zim was having a little conflict of his own, but with his mechanical servant rather than himself.

"GIR, STOP THAT!" Zim shrieked as his defective android chased a family of ducks toward the lake. Starting after the disguised robot, he continued "Are you listening to me, you stupid... DUMB... THING? If you trip or something and fall into that pond, you could start short-circuiting or something and then the humans would notice and that would be... er..." The Irken racked his brains to come up with a sufficient line to describe the danger. "...not... good..." Vocabulary was not one of his strong suits.

A little smirk came to Dib's lips as he watched the insane alien and his idiotic android. Sure, this didn't help him come up with any plans, but it was at least a healthy reminder to see just how incompetent his arch-rival was. Just now, Zim had skidded to a halt just before running head-long into the pond. As the diminutive Invader heaved a sigh of relief at having escaped certain Hellish doom at the... liquidy... hands of... the... Earth-pond, GIR cheerfully ran around his master, giggling maniacally. This brought on a new round of angry shouting from Zim as the alien now realized that GIR had succeeded in wrapping his leash tightly around his master, making any sort of movement all but impossible. "GIR, YOU LITTLE FOOL! Now I can't even move! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?"

GIR stopped momentarily, blinked at Zim, then closed his eyes tightly, smiled, and stated that "Acne Blast blasts acne dead!" He then returned to circling around Zim.

"I mean it, GIR! Cut it out!" Zim whined, wriggling about, "Dib's laughing at us now! If humiliating your master is what you wanted to do, then mission accomplished! ... Whu-oh..." It was at this point that the idiotic Invader realized that he was toppling over towards the pond. After a pathetic squeak of terror, he promptly splashed into the water, then leaped back up, shrieking in untold agony and lacking his hairpiece.

As luck would have it, there just happened to be a large number of people in this area of the park today and they had all turned their attention to the bellowing lunatic. (Can you blame them?)

Seeing his chance, Dib jumped up and grabbed Zim, shaking him around in everyone's faces. "SEE?" he hooted, "SEE WHAT I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT ALL THIS TIME? He's an alien! Just look at his antennae! Check out his reaction to water! You can't call me crazy this time!"

Some people started to back away nervously, but Dib advanced toward them, shaking Zim's protesting little body around, a wild gleam in his eyes. Soon enough, two men wearing what appeared to be some sort of government-issued uniform stepped forward to inquire about the occurrence.

"Hey! What's all the screaming about?" hollered one of the men, making at least twice as much noise as Dib.

Seeing his chance, Dib energetically thrust Zim into the man's face. Both Zim and the man blinked uncomfortably as their faces were now smashed awkwardly against each other.

"LOOK!" Dib squeaked excitedly, "The green skin! The antennae! He's an ALIEN! Don't you see it? He's a filthy, disgusting alien sent here to destroy us all!"

This was just too much. Zim had just taken all he could stand. For 12 years he had put up with this unhinged little brat, trying all he could to somehow kill him and yet the human Dib-thing continued to be a thorn in his side. Well NO MORE! THIS WAS IT!

"IT'S TRUE!" Zim screamed in an unnaturally high tone. "I, Zim, am an ALIEN!" He jumped to the ground and removed his contact lenses, revealing gleaming blood-red eyes. A few onlookers gasped in shock. The alien then grabbed GIR (who was now running in place humming the Benny Hill theme song) and ripped the hood of his dog costume off, revealing his metal face. "And this, in actuality, is my advanced robot, cleverly disguised as a simple EARTH-DOG!" GIR smiled and waved at the two suited men. "NOW!" Zim continued, shifting into a deep, commanding voice, "Now that you have seen my POWERFUL true form, you all must BOW DOWN AT MY MIGHTY IRKEN FEET AND... uh... PRAISE ME! ... or something..."

A long, awkward silence passed as Zim posed triumphantly, GIR waved to everyone, and Dib pointed wildly at Zim with the world's most psychotic grin on his face.

Finally, one of the men spoke. "Alright, you three. Let's go..."

The sunlight peeked mischievously into the barred asylum window and gave the small white-padded room an eerie sterile glow. A tiny, echoed voice giggled and shrieked "HELLO, LIGHT!" Two more voices, one an inhuman, raspy voice; the other the deepening voice of a 24-year-old man sighed in frustration.

"This is all your fault, you know," Zim snarled as he watched his robot flop around in his tiny straitjacket.

"MY FAULT?" Dib retorted, wriggling around in his straitjacket to get a good look at Zim. "Hey, if your stupid Tallies or Tallers or whatever you call 'em hadn't sent you here, this never would have happened!"

"DO NOT INSULT THE UNQUESTIONABLE REASONING OF THE ALMIGHTY TALLEST!" Zim roared, a murderous glow in the back of his deep red eyes. Luckily, he was also in a straitjacket, so rather than lunging at Dib to strangle him, the alien merely struggled around a lot and sighed as he wore himself out.

"Well..." mumbled Dib, "I guess we're gonna' be here for a while, so we might as well get used to it..."

"Yeah..." Zim huffed.

"So..."

"Uh-huh..."

"Hey," Dib giggled, "Remember that time when I fooled you into being my friend?"

Zim laughed. "Hey, yeah... and we stayed up all night playing video games..."

They both shared a big laugh and sighed, almost like old friends rather than mortal, borderline-psychotic enemies.

"Man, I really beat your little green butt in Marvel vs. Capcom 2..."

"... I beg your pardon, Dib. I believe I sufficiently destroyed your weak human hinder!"

"YOU WISH!"

"YOU SPEAK CRAZINESS, EARTH-BOY!"

Long, long silence. GIR's innocent giggle echoed in the room.

"...okay," Dib finally conceded, "But admit that I'm a better voot-runner pilot than you are!"

"(snicker) in your dreams..."

**A BEGINNING...**


	2. New Friendships

**Going Sane In A Crazy World**  
by Matt Garner

**Chapter 2  
New Friendships**

"Helloooooooo, you three... Are we having a good day today?"

The two organic lifeforms in the small, padded room stared resentfully at the doctor standing in the doorway. The little robot occupying the room giggled innocently and squealed "We SHO' is! How 'bout'choo?"

The doctor, a tall blonde woman with a gentle tone of voice, smiled and laughed softly. "I'm doing very well, thank you!" she answered, "I'm Dr. England, and who are you three?"

"Dib Casil, sole protector of the planet Earth," muttered the young man in the corner, while giving her an indecipherable look.

"Invader Zim! Most valued soldier in the Irken Armada and SCOURGE of the human FILTH of Earth!" shrieked the little boy (with a skin condition) seated beside him.

"GIR! Reporting for duty, madam doctor!" finished the little robot with glowing red eyes and the unexpected appearance of an attention span.

Dr. England giggled softly again as one does when listening to a child with an overactive imagination. "Well!" she chirped, "I'm VERY happy to meet you! And I just know everyone else here would be just as happy to meet you!" She smiled warmly and clasped her hands together. "Would the three of you like to meet your new neighbors?"

"YAY! NEW FRIENDS!" GIR cried out in rapturous joy while Zim and Dib grumbled to themselves.

"Now don't be such a couple of grumpy-pants!" Dr. England chuckled as she helped Zim and Dib to their feet. "You won't have much fun stuck here in this little room all day! Come on, now!"

With that, she led the odd trio out of their padded cell and down a number of hallways, ultimately reaching a very big, wide room. The room seemed to be a large cafeteria/rec room of some sort, but with an unearthly sort of feel to it. Maybe it was all the bright, happy colors used to paint all the pictures on the walls of various animals all looking far too happy than should be allowed. Maybe it was the fact that it seemed that the room was devoid of any sort of object that might even be remotely harmful; no sharp edges on the tables or electrical outlets or anything. Or maybe it was because the entire place was full of very obviously insane people. ... probably the third one.

"What IS this place?" Zim demanded in shock.

"This is the cafeteria!" Dr. England answered, still over-cheerfully. "The people who stay here come to this room to eat and to relax a little sometimes. Would you like to relax?"

"What I'd like to do, good lady..." wheezed the Irken, "would be to escape from this straitjacket and rip your insidiously happy face off!"

GIR's voice was heard squeaking "Then we'd get to see who the villain REALLY is!"

Dib snorted. "Big talker..." he mocked, "You and your threats. You're all talk, Zim! You don't have the GUTS to do something like that!"

"SILENCE, DIB-WORM!!!" Zim screeched, "You know nothing of Irken military training! I have subjected countless victims to unspeakable tortures, the likes of which your feeble brain could never begin to comprehend!"

"Now, now!" said Dr. England firmly, but still way too nicely, "Tenants who don't play nice don't get to socialize! Now let's put on a happy face and make some friends!"

She then shoved Dib and Zim forward into the teeming sea of insanity. As the two enemies disappeared into the crowd of lunatics (followed obediently by the dysfunctional robot), Dr. England's smile drooped and she leaned wearily against the wall. "Criminey," she groaned, "I need a smoke..."

Meanwhile, Dib was sulking in torrents of self-pity as his Irken counterpart argued yet again with his robot servant.

"I wanna' ride da' fat lady!" GIR whined miserably, pointing at a rather obese woman who, apparently under the belief that she was a pig, was walking on all fours and snorting wildly.

"GIR! NO! You don't know where that THING has been!"

"Awww, okayyyyy... OOH! Ah'mo talk ta' that skinny guy with the red hair an' glasses!"

Zim hissed with disgust as his robot ran off to make... eugh... "friends" with someone... How revolting! Determined not to speak to any more humans than he was already being regularly forced to speak to, Zim marched proudly (or as proudly as one can when wrapped in a straitjacket) back to Dib's side and promptly began to pout.

"They can't keep me in here," he complained, "They have no idea who or what they're toying with! I am ZIM! I am IRKEN! Irkens do not give up without a fight!!!"

"Would you shut up?" Dib snarled.

"You DARE to silence ZIM?" the alien fumed. He hopped in front of Dib, crimson eyes staring up murderously at the man's pale face. "Count your blessings, boy! If I wasn't in this jacket, I'd... do... not nice things to you!"

"Listen, you obnoxious little roach..." Dib snapped, "I know we're not crazy... you know we're not crazy... Well, _I'm_ not crazy at least. The point is, we both know we don't belong here... But if we keep acting like you're an alien, there's no chance of us getting out... I say we just try to act like everything's perfectly normal with us, and try to get along with everyone, and maybe the doctors will think we've regained our senses."

Zim barked a raspy sort of coughing laugh. "ZIM? Take orders from a HUMAN? Let alone YOU? I think not! No! Rather, I will return to my former plan of attempting to blend into human culture. Eventually, the authorities will note just how 'normal' I am, and I shall be set free... free to destroy your _worrrrrrld_..."

Dib blinked down at the Irken and pondered over whether or not to point out the fact that Zim had just repeated the very same plan right back at him. Before he had a chance to make up his mind, though, a deep scratchy voice spoke up from behind him.

"Hello, friends... you must be new here..."

Startled, Dib and Zim whipped around quickly to find the owner of the voice, only managing to find... nothing. They looked at each other, then turned back around to find an unstable-looking man standing before them with a pale purple complexion, sparse black hair, and two small horns jutting from his forehead. He stared deeply at them as if into their souls.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" they said intelligently.

"Hello..." the stranger repeated, staring even more intently (if possible) at them.

"Who the heck are you???" Dib tried to scream, but managed to croak out in a whisper.

The stranger gazed distantly for a few seconds, smiling demonically. Finally, he spoke again. "I am known by many names... Son of the Dark Prince... Child of Darkness... the Second Coming of Damnation..." Dib and Zim looked fearfully at each other and actually huddled together for protection. The stranger stared a few seconds longer and whispered "My mother called me..." The two rivals whimpered like babies and each breathed a silent prayer to their respective gods. "...Pepito..."

Crimson and amber eyes alike bulged open. PEPITO??? Sure, something like Damien or Belial would have worked, but... Pepito? Both of our heroes were slightly unsure of whether to laugh or not at this. The better side of their judgment suggested to keep their traps shut since this Pepito fellow's straitjacket was not strapped and he looked like he wasn't the type to take a joke very well. An awkward silence fell upon the trio until another asylum tenant stepped in and stood close beside Pepito.

"Oh, yes..." Pepito said, motioning to the newcomer, "This is Johnny..."

He was a very tall man with waxy greyish skin, wide staring eyes, short hectic dark hair, and an unpleasant scar running across his forehead. On his face was plastered a very hollow, joyless, drooling grin that stretched from ear to ear. He, too, was given the permission of having his arms free of the jacket straps.

"...we all just call him Nny..."

"What's HIS problem?" Dib squeaked nervously.

"Johnny's a lobotomy patient," Pepito answered. Johnny giggled stupidly and squinted his eyes a bit.

"... would that be why he looks so... dead?" Zim inquired.

Pepito laughed. A cold, high, mirthless laugh that chilled the soul.

"No," he rasped, "He just doesn't sleep. Ever."

Johnny leaned forward and smiled distantly at Zim. "Th' monsters come at me in my dreeeeeeeeams..." he babbled. Suddenly, he turned and stared intently at Dib, his face a twisted combination of painful memories, fear, sadness, anger, sudden recognition, and many other unknown emotions, possibly including indigestion.

"_squee_...?" he whispered, barely audible. In fact, Dib wouldn't have even heard him had not Johnny been very literally nose-to-nose with him at this point.

Dib's glasses slid down his nose and he cursed his inability to push them back up. "P-pardon?" he stuttered as Johnny's ragged breath fogged his lenses.

Johnny immediately seized Dib by the shoulders and shook him around, screaming "DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR THE MONSTERS? DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO LET THEM #$IN' GET YOU? WHY THE #$ DID YOU THINK I TOLD YOU ALL THAT #$, SQUEE??? WHY--"

"Johnny!" Pepito snapped his fingers and snagged the back of Johnny's jacket, calming the maniac down and pulling him away from Dib. "It's not Squee. I can sense something familiar about him... but it's not Squee..."

Johnny nodded, then shivered and mumbled something under his breath, then smiled stupidly and showed no more signs of his dangerous outburst. Zim simply gawked in confusion at the tall man.

"Wh-who is Squee?" Dib stammered.

"You already know who he is, Dib..." was Pepito's cryptic response, "though you may not realize it..."

"Wh... wha... I..."

"How did you know his name?" Zim asked quickly, covering for Dib's sudden inability to grasp the English language.

"That is not important now, friend Zim," Pepito answered with a strange smile. "What IS important is the friendship I sense we are soon to form... Welcome to our destiny..."

Seeming to be engulfed in a pale flame, Pepito cackled deviously as Johnny leaned over towards his strange friend. Drooling, Johnny mumbled distantly "We gunna' be goooooooood friends..."

In another corner of the room, GIR was carrying on a lovely conversation with someone who was apparently some sort of cartoonist... though the fellow really didn't seem too eager to talk about it.

---------  
In case you didn't notice, it was midnight when I wrote this chapter.


	3. A Heartwarming Visit

**Going Sane In A Crazy World**  
by Matt Garner

**Chapter 3  
A Heartwarming Visit**

"Sure does feel good to move my arms around again..."

In the few weeks that had passed, Dib had done a remarkable job of pretending to be perfectly sane... Which isn't too surprising as he actually was quite mentally stable. He had surprised himself, however, with how easily it had been for him to feign ignorance of Zim's mission. Forget the psychiatrists, Dib had nearly convinced himself that the twisted little Irken was little more than a very confused little boy (with a skin condition ... and red bug eyes... and antennae...). Noticing that the young man was seemingly beginning to sober up, and that he had made no more violent threats toward Zim since their arrival (there had been one incident involving the cafeteria meatloaf, but that was apparently more of a joke than anything); the doctors had unstrapped Dib's straitjacket.

At the moment, he was pacing around the room and gloating in the most obnoxious way possible.

"Mmmmyep! Sure does feel good to move my arms around again!" the young man repeated tauntingly while stretching his arms about and flexing his fingers.

Zim shot him the evil eye from where he was sitting. Having refused to go along with Dib's plan, and having made _countless_ threats to his cell-mates, Zim was still wrapped snugly in his straitjacket. GIR chuckled quietly to himself and bashed his head against the wall repeatedly. He was still in a straitjacket because he was, is, and always will be a danger to himself and others.

"Dr. England said I might even get to go home soon!" Dib continued while sneering gleefully at his worst enemy. "I don't mind tellin' you I can't wait to go back home and finally relax... Just kick my heels up and read a good mystery novel without having to worry about YOU trying to kill me and rule the world..."

"_shut up_..." came the hissed reply.

"Man, it's going to be SO nice just to be NORMAL! I think I might even just give up this whole paranormal racket and be a scientist like my old man! I always made perfect grades in science, you know... MAN, it sure feels good to move my arms around again!"

"Shut... UP!" Zim barked. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP! FOR THE LOVE OF ZARQUON, SHUT YOUR FILTHY GERM-RIDDLED HUMAN WORD-TRAP!"

A catty smile curved Dib's lips. He knelt down in front of the alien and grinned irritably, just inches from his face. "And what are you going to do, ya' little space-roach?" he mocked, "Tickle me with your antennae?"

Filled to the bursting point with untold rage, Zim let out a mighty Irken battle cry and lunged at Dib. Well... he tried to lunge. Really, he just freaked Dib out, causing him to back away, and then bounced forward and fell flat on his face. GIR stopped braining himself long enough to say "Shoulda' drunk your V-8!", then returned to bashing his little robot brains out against the spongy wall.

Dib cackled nastily and propped himself up against the wall. This was probably one of the most... no, THE most glorious moment of his life! Finally, he was going to be able to live his life without Invader Zim haunting him! Okay, so maybe he wasn't about to become a world-wide hero... and maybe Zim wasn't about to become a project in a specimen tube... But at least he would be free again. Free just to enjoy life... Free to find beauty in the night sky again rather than the dread of alien attack... Free to--

"Hey Dib! You have some visitors..."

Snapping out of his reverie, Dib shook his head, then pushed his glasses up to look through the barred window of the cell door. Even before Dib had a chance to ask Dr. Canby (the wiry, dark-haired doctor who had made the announcement) who the visitor was, a pale young woman roughly shoved the doctor out of the way and glared malevolently into the window.

"You really are a moron, aren't you, Dib?" she snarled.

Dib smiled wide and waved to his sister. "Gaz! Hi! How are you? Wow, you look great, sis! Really! The guys must be all over you!" Even being confronted by his hell-spawn of a little sister couldn't ruin Dib's mood today.

"Shut up," she hissed, "I'm just here because I wanna' see your reaction to what Dad has to say..." A wicked smile curved across her bitter ghost-white face, creating an even more unsettling image than her usual appearance. Zim felt strangely aroused by the whole affair.

(Again, I would like to state that I'm not a Gaz/Zim person in the least. Not only is Zim probably 100-something years older than her, they both hate each other's guts. I just think someone as evil and twisted as he is would find such a nasty smile to be sexy. Or whatever. Just read. I'm sorry I spoke. I ruin everything... OH GOD WHYYYYY... Oh hey, I found a penny on my desk! It's my lucky day! WHEEEEEEEE! I SMILE!)

"Dad's here too?" Dib laughed, "That's great! Lemme' see him! I've got something I want to tell him!"

Gaz sneered again. "Let me guess..." she deepened her voice and spoke with a stupid drawl to imitate Dib. "'Dad! Zim's a ALIEN! Durrrrr...'"

Dib laughed. "No, no... It's nothing like that..."

"Whatever..."

Gaz grunted and stepped back, folding her arms over her chest and snarling under her breath. Then, Professor Membrane stepped into view.

"Hey, Dad!" Dib called happily.

"My poor insane son..." Membrane sighed miserably while shaking his head.

Dib chuckled to himself. "I knew you'd say that. I'm okay, though! Really! The doctors said I'm just fine, and when I get out, I'm going to give up the supernatural and start studying real science! Just like you! Aren't you proud of me?"

A cold, joyless, heart-stoppingly vicious laugh echoed through the hallways. This really wasn't TOO unusual for the building, except for the fact that, rather than issuing forth from one of the tenants, the laugh was coming from Gaz Casil. Professor Membrane's brow knitted in concern and he shook his head once more.

"I'm afraid it's not that easy, son," Membrane answered, "You see, it's just that you've had such a long record of... well..."

"Bein' a #$ing basket-case..." Gaz suggested.

"...insanity..." Membrane continued, deciding not to sugar-coat his message, "That I've signed a form to keep you here for the rest of your life... You know, just to be on the safe side."

Dib's jaw dropped to the floor. No, literally! It dropped to the floor! Y'gotta' problem widdat? He's a cartoon! He can do that!

Zim laughed gleefully at the irony of it all. GIR looked at Zim, then started to laugh too. He wasn't really sure what was going on, but he figured something must have been funny and he didn't want to miss out on the joke.

Dib tried to regain his cool composure, made a splendid failure of this, and shivered helplessly while babbling "But... but... but I... you..."

"It's for your own good, Dib..." Membrane sighed. Without another word, he turned to walk away. Dib continued to stare and babble like an idiot as his sister sauntered back up to the window and gave him an obscene hand gesture and an encouraging "#$ you, moron!" She then left, cackling demonically.

This couldn't be happening! No! Not when everything was supposed to be going right for once! His breath becoming thin and ragged, Dib sank dejectedly to the floor and stared hopelessly at the door, pleading wordlessly for his family's understanding. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted to escape. But he could do nothing other than gaze into the endless despair.

OOOOOOOOOOOOH, it was DELICIOUS! Watching that arrogant little Earth-monkey quiver pathetically as his father denied him freedom! Seeing that smug child collapse to the floor and watch all hope fade from those dark, and now empty, eyes. Listening to Dib's weak human lungs gasp for breath in his stunned silence, Zim laughed deeper and more wildly than ever in his life. At last, his unfit, under aged brat of a rival was crushed.

Awww, poor Dibby. He looked so sad! GIR wanted to give him a big hug, but then remembered that Master Zim didn't like Dib, so that meant Dib was bad. But Dib still looked so sad. GIR didn't like seeing sad people. GIR liked happy people! The little robot tilted his head and looked sadly at Dib. Then he noticed a speck of lint on the floor and forgot what he was so upset about.

The hopeless pain and dejection, psychotic mocking laughter, and lint-induced fascination was interrupted soon by Dr. Canby's voice.

"You have two visitors as well, Zim..."

All eyes turned in surprise toward the door as two tall, unearthly figures loomed up and stared intently through the window.

OOH! I wonder who that could be!


	4. Lying Government Leaders? MADNESS!

Before I begin with Chapter 4, allow me to answer some specific questions and comments from you guys...

1) Geko's question about Dib and the Professor: You're partially right. The Professor's fame and money give him a "what I say goes" sort of thing in the city. Plus, Dib has been considered borderline insane for a long time. Membrane still has legal custody of him in case something like this happens. Actually, I'm just a lazy writer and didn't even think about it. Your "fame" suggestion pretty much saved my bacon on that. Thanks!

2) Nny777slavelabor's comment about the censored language: I know I don't have to censor myself, but I just don't like to use a lot of foul language in my own speech or what I write. I think the worst language in any of my stories is in "Gabbin' with Gau" and "Pokémon: Alpha" and both are pretty mild. –Matt

**Going Sane In A Crazy World**  
by Matt Garner

**Chapter 4  
Lying Government Leaders? MADNESS!**

A reverent hush fell on the small room. In Zim's callous mind, and even in GIR's fractured little memory circuits, there was nothing but the deepest profound respect for the two beings glaring meaningfully at them. Of course, the very opposite was true for Dib, who despised these two creatures for everything they were; but he had also never actually seen them in real life and their presence was certainly awe-inspiring... Well, it was up until they stepped closer into the light and Dib realized that they were wearing the worst human disguises ever dreamed up by an alien invader.

"YAY! It's my daddies!" GIR screamed with rapturous joy as the Almighty Tallest stepped into clearer view. Zim sat up rigid and straight and wriggled his antennae in salute.

"Greetings, my Tallest!" he said with a respectful bow, "I am honored by your presence!"

"Wow, Zim... You look great..." Red droned sarcastically with a childish grin on his face. He was wearing a red tie, a reporter's hat with "HYOOMIN!" written on it, and a pair of glasses. No other attempt was made to change his appearance.

"Yeah, Zim!" tittered Purple, who was clothed in a soft purple dress and floppy sunhat (Also with no other change to his appearance). "Really great... (giggle) That straitjacket suits you!"

"(giggle) Shut up! You're makin' me laugh now..." Red muttered to Purple who was now shaking with laughter. Purple quickly covered his mouth with both hands and tried in vain to stifle his giggles.

Zim nodded humbly once more to his leaders. "You're too kind, my Tallest! And, might I say that your disguises are ingenius!"

Both of the highly-evolved Irkens smiled arrogantly and answered with phrases of "Thank you!", "Yes, they really are good, aren't they?", "I designed them myself!" and the ilk.

Dib snorted.

"Pfft. Yeah. Great disguises. A maternity dress and a second-rate Clark Kent getup. Just how stupid ARE you guys, anyway?"

Purple and Red narrowed their eyes at Dib. Red then lifted one hand and snapped his claws quickly. A mechanical laser device popped out of his ID pak, aimed itself at Dib, and blasted him with a bright red laser. It then retreated back into his pak. Purple gave Red a reprimanding look. Red looked back at him and shrugged as if to say "Aw, come on... It's funny!" And the two of them burst into loud laughter.

"So these guys built you?" The now-barbecued Dib asked GIR.

"Mmmmyep! Sho' did!"

"... That explains a lot..."

"Yes, yes, they laugh a lot..." Zim confirmed, "They're very jovial leaders."

Dib smoldered.

Zim cleared his throat to gain the attention of the Tallest. "Anyway, I suppose you're here to get me out of this stinking place so I can... Y'know... Go and take over the world and stuff...?"

"Actually, Zim..." Purple answered, still fighting a strong case of the giggles, "...NO!" He then broke into a fresh round of laughter.

Zim answered with an intellectual "_HEH?_", hanging his tongue out for added effect.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Red sighed while shaking his head. He sobered up from his snickering and looked seriously at the tiny Irken. His voice dropping to a very important-sounding tone, he stated, simply that "We just don't like you, Zim."

"_HEH?_" Zim bulged his eyes and drooped his antennae this time to increase the effect.

"You're a raving lunatic!" Purple assisted, having calmed himself down now.

"But... but... I'm an excellent Invader! I'm the finest soldier in the entire Irken Armada!"

"WERE the finest. You WERE the finest soldier, Zim," Red continued. "We thought you had what it takes to be an Invader..."

Purple threw in his two cents. "...But you just went mad with power as soon as we made you an Invader in Operation: Impending Doom! Don't you remember? The whole reason you were banished to FoodCourtia was because you nearly KILLED everyone on Irk!"

Zim stared blankly, wagging his jaw wordlessly. Dib snickered.

"Then you actually 'quit being banished'..." Red started.

"Which," Purple interjected, "We later found out meant that you destroyed the workstation at which you were assigned, killing everyone else in the area..."

"...And had the nerve to request that we assign you another mission!" finished Red with a flourish. He shook his head again and repeated "You really just don't get it..."

_**"HEHHHH?"**_

"(sigh) Exactly... Tell him, Purple."

"With pleasure. Zim, your mission to Earth was a HOAX! We were completely unaware of Earth's existence! Our plan was to hurl you out into the deepest reaches of space with faulty equipment, and just let you DIE forgotten and alone!"

Zim's right antenna twitched involuntarily.

"We've been trying to kill you off ever since you contacted us from Earth," said Red, "We even hired the Planet Jackers to send you screaming into the sun..."

"BUT NOOOOOO..." bemoaned Purple, "You just have to keep _LIVING_, don't you? You're harder to kill than a space-roach!"

Dib cackled as Purple used Dib's favorite phrase to refer to Zim.

"But NOW," Red laughed, "We're finally RID of you! You're stuck here with NO way out! We don't have to put up with your constant rants about how kosher hot-dogs are essential to eradicating the human race!"

"And the BEST part of it..." guffawed Purple, "...is you're stuck here with GIR and that Dib kid! It's a more fitting punishment than we ever could have DREAMED OF!"

"OH YEAH!" Red cried, "VENGEANCE IS SWEET!"

"LAY IT ON ME, BRUTHA!" cackled Purple as the two Tallest high-threed each other. (Instead of high-five. Cuz... y'know, Irkens only have three fingers on each hand...)

Zim just sat there and stared vacantly as the Tallest broke into another peal of hearty, derisive laughter. He couldn't believe this! His entire life had been devoted to defending Irk... Serving the Tallest to the best of his abilities. The Irken military was all he knew. It was his reason for existence. And all this time, his mission had been a lie? There had been times when he had his suspicions, but for an Irken soldier to question his superiors was the Unforgivable Sin! No, his Tallest had really entrusted him with superior equipment! His computers and robot only SEEMED to be stupid to confuse the enemy! His Tallest really knew of his skill! But now... Here they were, telling him they wanted him dead... Laughing in his face as he asked them for help... He couldn't believe the lie any longer... And yet he couldn't believe that they HAD lied to him. It felt as though his brain had suddenly shut down.

"Heh... Oh, baby, that's funny..." Red chortled as the laughter finally died down.

"Oh... Geeze, my side hurts..." Purple giggled, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

"Yeah... HEY!" Red grinned and slapped his twin brother on the back, "Whaddaya say we go get some weenies?"

"Yeah, sure... But only if they're kosher!"

Red cracked up and fell over with a thud and a loud "BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

Purple snickered and tapped Dr. Canby's shoulder.

"M-huh?" muttered the doctor who was conveniently dozing off against the wall and hadn't heard a word of the alien mission.

"We're ready to sign out now..."

Canby nodded and watched Red writhe about on the floor. "Oh, right... Hey, is your husband going to be alright?"

"HUSBAND?" Purple shouted, then remembered their disguises. "OH! Heh... Yes... Yes, he's fine..."

"Just a minor pain in my squeedly-spooch," Red explained, then squealed "OW!" as Purple kicked him. "I mean my spine! heh..."

"I see. Well," Canby suggested, "Maybe you should see a chiropractor..."

And the psychiatrist led the Irkens down the hall as Zim sat frozen in a disbelieving stupor, Dib cackled satanically at him, and GIR squealed "BYE-BYE DADDIES!"

------------

Wow! Those two big guys were really the Tallest! Who knew?


	5. The Final Visitor

**Going Sane In A Crazy World**  
by the Mysterious Dr. X 

**Chapter 5  
The Final Visitor**

"Hah-HAHHHH!!! Take THAT, ZIM!" Dib cackled at his crestfallen enemy.

"SILENCE, CHILD!" Zim shrieked back at him, "What have you to be so joyful about? You've no chance to escape from this prison either!"

"But he gots his arms free!" GIR squealed.

Starting with a cold stare-of-death that scanned from the little robot and then to the young man (transforming along the way into a heartless smile), Zim explained in delighted, wheezing tones "Yes, GIR... But what good is that? He's still trapped here... DOOMED forever by his own family, simply because he's too much of a FAILURE for anyone in this world to ever CARE ABOUT HIM!!!"

A very hurt expression flicked across Dib's eyes. He opened his mouth to protest, but, unfortunately, Zim's words had just echoed what had gone on in the paranormalist's own mind. Rather than the smart-alec comment he hoped to reply with, Dib simply answered by choking slightly and biting his lip. Zim's cold, callous laugh started up again, forcing Dib to turn his back to the alien and shut his eyes tightly. In any other situation, he'd have probably just whirled around and strangled the little creep, but... he knew Zim was right. His own family despised him and he was trapped here now... no matter what happened...

"Awwww," Zim urged in a mocking tone, "whassamatta', Dibby? Gonna' cry now? HAHAHA! FOOLISH HUMAN! You and your emotions will always be your greatest weakness! Even greater than your IMMENSE head filled with stupid... eh... HEAD-MEATS!!! I will always be superior! I AM ZIMMMM!!!"

Dib opened his watery and now reddened eyes momentarily as he voiced one small question.

"If you're so superior, then why did your leaders just leave you here?"

Now it was Zim's turn to fail horrendously at a response. He too attempted to say something, but as no comment would calm his own self-destructive thoughts of failure, he turned his back to Dib and wallowed in his personal depression.

GIR blinked and looked back and forth between his despondant roommates for a moment. That is, until... _the final visitor_ arrived...

There had been no announcement of _it's_ arrival. Nothing natural at least. The only sign that _it_ was near was a sickeningly familiar presence of hate, doom, and crippling depression. 

As GIR turned his stunned, luminous cyan eyes to the door window; an evil, dark presence filled the hallway on the other side of the door.

As if the electricity had suddenly failed in the building, all light died in the hallway, under the influence of the malevolent cloud of doom that was filling the corridor. GIR's jaw slowly drooped as he watched the dark fog thicken in front of the small window. The lights slowly returned as the fog dissipated from the furthermost sides of the hallway and merged before the window into one concentrated mass of hate. Then, the mind-wrenching body of vaporous sickness convalesced into what appeared to be the form of a wizened, ancient old woman dressed in the black of one's darkest nightmares.

Dib and Zim continued to sulk in their own self-loathing. GIR gazed in awe at the creature as it glared into the small room, feeding on the misery of its occupants. Finally... _it_ spoke...

"When the two of you were in my class," Ms. Bitters croaked, "I said you'd amount to nothing..."

She paused for a few seconds to let the whole phrase sink in. A sharp, hissing breath, and then she finished.

"And I was right... You're NNNNNOTHING!!! Look at you! Two miserable, worthless husks of lunacy... doomed to DIE here in this cold, sterile..."

"You're too late!"

"What?" Bitters was genuinely surprised. No living being had ever dared interrupt her!

"You're too late!" GIR explained. "They already got their spirits crushed. Sorry!"

Ms. Bitters stuttered unhappily.

"O-oh... w-well then I... DARN! I've been waiting for 12 years to do this..."

GIR looked apologetically to the frightening woman-beast and repeated "Sorry..."

"No, no... It's not your fault. Ugh. I shouldn't have taken the bus here. I knew I'd get here late. Oh well... I uh... Well, I suppose I'll go brow-beat that weird cartoonist down the hall... Whatever his name is... something Vasquez, I think..."

GIR smiled. It was good to know SOMEONE was still going to manage to find something fun to do today!

"Okay!" He called, "Have fun!"

"Hmm?" Bitters turned around for a moment. "Oh... yes, uh... thanks... And uh..." She pointed at Dib and Zim. "Remember. Worthless... you know..."

GIR nodded while Dib and Zim mumbled irritably.

"KAY!" he squeaked.

"Yeah... okay... well... see ya..."

"What a nice lady," GIR sighed as the spectre floated down the hallway with the intent to feed on another doomed soul's misery. Dib and Zim groaned.


	6. When Worlds Collide

**Going Sane In A Crazy World**  
by Matt Garner

**Chapter 6  
When Worlds Collide**

"Heheh... Oh man, that was great..."

"D-did you see the look on Zim's face? It was priceless!"

Still giggling away in that way that only really close siblings with an inside-joke can do (Any of my readers with siblings should be able to know what I'm talking about), the Almighty Tallest made their way into the guest reception room of the Defective Head Meat Institute. Standing in front of the large pale pink desk in the center of the big off-white colored waiting room were two humans who resembled the Dib boy in an odd way. Not that the Tallest even noticed. They were both too busy snickering like idiots. Besides, all humans looked the same anyway.

"Rrrrrrgh... C'mon, Dad! It's time for lunch! I crave pizza!" Gaz opened her eyes wide, revealing odd hypnotic red swirls where there should have been deep brown irises. "The pig commands me... I must have _peeet-zzzzaaaaa_..."

Leaning over the desk and writing something, Professor Membrane darted his left hand out and shook a reproachful gloved finger at his daughter. "Now, now, Gaz! Have patience!" he admonished, "I just have to sign out for both of us..."

Gaz sighed bitterly, watching her father shake his finger at her knees. "Sign out for 'both of us'...?" she groaned, "Dad, I can sign out for myself. I'm 23 #$in' years old, you know..."

Brow knitted in frustration, the Professor stood up to remind Gaz of the consequences of speaking in such a disrespectful manner to one's father. He put one hand his hip and shook his finger while looking down at... Gaz's knees? He double-blinked curiously, then scrolled his thickly-bespectacled eyes upward to see an angry-looking woman standing where an 11-year-old girl should have been.

"SO YOU ARE!" he shouted in amazed recognition, "MY! How time FLIES!" A quick slap to his own forehead helped to show just how thoroughly shocked the man was.

"Hehehe... And... And... The look on that kid's face was so funny!"

"Oh, you mean... What's his name... Dib? HAHA!"

One of Gaz's dark violet/black eyebrows arched upward.

"Hey," she grunted, "Did one of those guys just mention Dib?"

"Hmm?"

The Professor scratched his balding head curiously. Faster than greased lightning (Ever tried to grease lightning? It's tough work!), the angry-looking woman pointed a thin claw-like finger over his shoulder. Professor Membrane whirled around quickly for a glimpse of whoever it was that his daughter had overheard.

"Heh... I know... That insane smile! HAHA!"

"And to think Zim's stuck with him for the rest of his life! HAHAAA!"

Hmm... Odd. How, exactly, did this charming couple know about Dib and his friend... Zim, was it? Perhaps... Yes, that was it. They were probably relatives of Zim's in some way. After all, they both did have the same large, round eyes and strange... Green... Skin...

Wait a minute... Why did these two strangers seem so familiar?

**"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!"** Professor Membrane stated calmly, both hands clenched firmly on the sides of his head in abject fear. The Tallest gawked blankly at the shrieking man. Gaz merely stood there, looking angry as always, with nothing to show for her surprise but a raised eyebrow. The secretary at the desk looked up from a Happy Noodle Boy comic long enough to blow a bubble with her gum. She then returned to her comic.

"Can we... Help you?" Red inquired, holding out a claw and narrowing an eye in confusion.

**"KEEP AWAY FROM ME! KEEP AWAY!"** answered the Professor while staggering backward like a drunkard.

"Hey, pal," Purple scoffed, "Whatsamatter? Ain'tcha never seen a lady before?" He then swivelled his hips and posed in a way that MIGHT seem flirty had it been a real human woman. Instead, it was a 6-foot-tall alien who resembled a mutant cockroach, so the effect was more than slightly disconcerting.

The Professor continued to flail about until finally collapsing into Gaz's arms. Grunting against her father's weight, Gaz growled "#$, Dad! Calm down..."

"CALM DOWN?" he shrieked, "CALM DOWN?"

"GAZ!" Professor Membrane leaped out of his daughter's arms, then grabbed her by the shoulders. "Don't you know what those two... 'PEOPLE' ARE?"

Gaz started to say "Yeah. More Irken freaks. Whoopty-shi--" but she was interrupted.

"They're... They're alien MONSTERS! Monsters from another world who want to subject us to _horrible_, painful experiments and plant freaky devices in our skulls... **SKULLS, I TELL YOU!**"

The secretary looked up from her comic book again. The Tallest failed miserably to look offended.

"I don't know WHAT you're talking about, you rude, rude man!" Purple whined while batting his wrist around in an attempt to look feminine. The result was laughable.

"We are two perfectly normal Earthling tarantulas!" Red announced loudly (and proudly) while holding his arms out high above his head. Purple punched him in the ribs. Red corrected himself by quickly adding "Humans! I mean humans!", after which he socked his twin brother in the jaw.

"LIES!" Membrane shrieked, "All filthy, FILTHY LIES!" Had his face been visible, rather than constantly shrouded by his upturned collar, one would be able to see that he was now foaming at the mouth. Gaz groaned and the secretary calmly pressed a button under her desk. "You're here to perform unspeakable tests on us! Just like LAST time!"

"You're crazy" explained Red.

A vein ticking away sickeningly in his forehead, Membrane shrieked "Crazy? Crazy am I? Well does THIS sound familiar?" He then performed a surprisingly good imitation of Red's nasal voice and said "'We shall have him for a Kellzonian scan!'"

There was a long, uncomfortable silence (broken only by what sounded like heavy footsteps hurrying along a distant corridor) as both of the Tallest stared, uncomprehending, at the scientist. Purple with his antennae darting up and down and his bottom jaw jutting out; Red with his eyes narrowed and teeth overlapping his bottom lip. Membrane glared back at the two aliens with an insane blend of fear and hatred in his eyes. Gaz wished she was eating pizza somewhere. Finally, one of them spoke up.

"Ohhhhhh..." Purple droned, recollection shining in his misty violet eyes. He pointed slowly at Membrane. "So YOU were that weird big-eyed kid! Wow, how long ago was that? 30-odd years or more?"

Red intelligently remarked "Heh... weird..."

A low, female sigh hissed through the air. Gaz glared at her father and muttered "Dad... I'm going to regret asking, but WHAT'S going on here?"

"I'm GLAD you asked, Gaz! You see, when I was a mere adorable big-eyed child of, perhaps, 7 years, give or take, I was visited in the night by four incredibly strange aliens..." It was obvious that Dib picked up his irritating rambling habits from his dad. "...They broke out into an argument over who would have the honor of abducting me, and it was THESE very same creatures who kidnapped me and ran a Kellzonian scan, one of the most horrifyingly painful procedures in the known universe, on me! The long-term results were actually beneficial to some degree as it caused my mental capacities to **_soar_** through the proverbial roof... However, much of my childhood slowly sank into a locked portion of my subconscious and was presumably forgotten until just now, as the sight of my former kidnappers seems to have unlocked some fragments of my broken memory!" He took one more look at the Tallest, then collapsed to the ground, screaming in fear.

Gaz couldn't believe this. It was the dumbest thing she had ever heard in her life. Impossibly convoluted, too. It was like something written by a really bad comedy writer who just didn't have the time to plan out a story and was just writing more for a cheap laugh than a real plot anyway. You know, like something really awful you'd read on the internet while waiting for something good to come on TV. She shook her head and looked down at her dad.

"Do you actually expect me to believe that?"

Membrane stopped flailing around long enough to say "Yes, actually, I do." Then he returned to flopping about like an idiot.

Just about that time, a team of white-coated thugs burst into the room and asked loudly where the "crazy, freakin', loony" was. Without a word, the secretary pointed to the Professor, then returned to the world of her comic book. As the thugs grabbed Membrane and carried him off, he began bellowing "NO! NO! I won't be silenced! The end is near! Don't you understand? Soylent green is people! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLLLLLLLE..."

Gaz, Red, and Purple all watched in stunned silence as the once-revered supergenius was carted away into the hallowed halls of the Laughing Academy. After a beat, they looked at each other for a few moments until Red cleared his throat.

"Well," he said, "We'll just be going now."

Purple nodded and the two Tallest turned to leave, but froze in terror as they heard a cold, spite-filled female voice rasp "Hey..."

The secretary looked up for a moment and stared at Gaz.

Gaz nodded in the direction of the tall aliens. "They're crazy too."

Suddenly, the white-coats returned and dragged two struggling super-evolved Irkens into the asylum.

Gaz smiled deviously at the sounds of the alien's voices shrieking "NO! LEAVE US ALONE! WE'RE NOT CRAZY! HELP! CURSE YOU, GAZ CASIL! CURSE YOUUUUUU!" A chuckle rolled in her throat and, after a little crack of her knuckles, she produced her father's car-keys from her pocket and headed out the door.

"Idiots..." she snickered.

"NO! I'm not crazy! You can't do this to me! I'm Professor Membrane! I'm famous!"

"Uh-huh. Whatever you say, pal..."

The two thugs "escorting" the Professor to his new room chuckled deeply.

"Sad, isn't it Steve?"

"Yeah, Frank... But ya' know... It's kinda' refreshing too. I mean after a hard day's work at the Funny Farm... I go home and see my wife and kids... And I think 'hey, my family may act kinda' weird sometimes... But at least they ain't nuts!'"

"Hmm. Deep."

"Hhhyyyyeeeeeep..."

Professor Membrane struggled with all his might, but to no avail. Maybe because he was in a straitjacket and had no chance to use his arms at all. Nevertheless, he continued to protest and demand to be set free up until they reached his cell.

"Okay, 'Professor...'" mocked Frank, expressing each of the quotation marks in his line by jerking his fingers up and down as is the fashion, "Here's your new 'apartment'! Say 'hi' to your new 'roomies' for us!" Once he was done speaking, he did the finger wiggle a couple more times just for the heck of it.

"I'M TELLING YOU, I--" But before he could finish, the Professor was shoved into a padded room and the door was quickly locked behind him. Membrane sighed wearily as the sound of footsteps and derisive laughter boomed down the hallway. _Oh well..._ he reasoned, _things will be sorted out soon enough... And besides, at least now things can't get any worse..._

He sighed again and looked around the room as best he could while on the floor. Odd... It was the middle of the day, and the room DID have windows, but everything was strangely dark. Almost as if a dark presence was strangling the very light out of the sky. He could barely even see more than 2 inches in front of his face.

Suddenly, a pair of booted feet stepped right up in front of him and the Professor felt two hands from behind prop him up to a sitting position. Gradually, the room was filled with an unhealthy purple light and within a few seconds, the Professor was finally able to see into the room well enough to see his new roommates.

Pepito stood before him, arms crossed behind his back, and staring down where the Professor sat.

"Hello, Todd," he wheezed as a demonic smile slowly crept across his face, "It's been a long time, hasn't it?"

In the darkness, a tall, lanky figure leaned over from behind Membrane. Soon, a waxy face with wide, staring eyes was hanging upside down before him.

"Hi, Squeeeeeee..." Johnny droned, "I misssssed yoooooooo..."

The Professor simply... squeaked.

**THE END...?**


End file.
